And now for something completely different, a comedic historical.
While that might not sound like much of a thing to be fussed about, it most certainly is a thing to be fussed about.
In the modern series, comedy is as major a part of the series as adventure and danger is. Back in nineteen-sixtywotsit, Doctor Who was more along the lines of previous adventure serials such as Robin Hood, Ivanhoe, Emily Pankhurst: Vampire Slayer, and William Tell. I would argue, correctly or not, that Dennis Spooner (he wot wrote this) was the man who brought the notion that the show could be funny as well as thrilling to the show. The humour has always been there, but Spooner made more of it.
Dennis Spooner, while not a whiz with these titles, he more than makes up for it with his writing and plots and characterisations.
The individual titles are…
The Slave Traders
All Roads Lead to Rome
Conspiracy
Inferno
The last time we saw the TARDIS, it was toppling off a cliff and landing – CCCRAASH! – onto the stony ground.
Guess what happens next?
If you guessed ‘they commit an act of breaking-and-entry to gain access to an unoccupied Roman villa and start squatting there’, award yourself a tomato sauce sachet.
And this is where we find them a month later, illegally living the good life in the villa. The Doctor is usually on his cherry-red 1966 Schwinn Sting-Ray drag racing chariots on the Appian Way, Ian and Barbara are flirting via fruit, and Vicki has been reading Quo Vadis by Henryk Sienkiewicz.
Vicki is bored of this. When she became a companion, she thought that she would be having really wild adventures; instead she is aiding and abetting her new friends with unlawfully occupying a villa. So when Barbara asks her whether she wants to head down to the village to buy food, she jumps at the chance.
The ladies walk down to the village. Unbeknown to them, someone is watching them from a bush. Could this be the Roman equivalent of a bailiff planning on turfing our heroes out of their squat?
Barbara and Vicki are at the market ready to fill their plastic carrier bags with bargains. They stand near an old man playing Geri Halliwell’s Bag It Up on a lyre. The song isn’t their bag.
“Now what should we buy, Barbara? What does your shopping list say?”
Barbara unrolls a scroll.
“Pickled onions, Ginster Stuffed Dormice Slices, Monster Munch (flamingo’s tongue flavour), an amphora of Vimto, and cottage pie. All good heart Roman fare.”
Behind a cart, two disputable men are eyeing up the girls. This is Sevcheria and Didius, one butch and one (with a blatant fake beard) the exact opposite of butch. Clearly a couple. And slave traders given their dubious looks.
“Didi, we will wait here and look ominous while plotting some criminal deed, heh heh heh!”
Vicki and Barbara are oblivious to this…
“Oh yes, you can buy Sussex pond puddings better than this in London, but it is nice to see a touch of home here in this village whose name I have forgotten.”
When they move off to look at a stall full of ironing boards, Sevcheria and Didius sidle up to the stall owner with the Sussex pond puddings.
“Pssst!”
“The latrines are over there, pal.”
“What were those women talking about? Did I hear the name of London spoken?”
“I am not sure. A few coins might make me remember…”
“Would a sword jiggling in your sternum jog your memory?”
“Erm… Alright! They were talking about that London.”
“Who are those two broads?”
“Dunno, they rocked up a month ago. With a couple of blokes, one old, one young. Staying at Flavius Giscard gaff just outside the village.”
“I have heard of this Giscard… Is he there too?”
“Nah, mate, he has been stationed in Gaul. Armorica I think. At the camp of Compendium. They are housesitting for him or so they say.”
Didius and Sevcheria give each other a look and walk away.
Meanwhile, on a road nearby…
Maximus Pettulian, having finished busking for his dinner in the village, is walking towards Rome. Since all roads lead to Rome (except for cul-de-sacs), he has no choice in the matter. He is playing Sam Cooke’s Bring It On Home to Me as he walks.
He hasn’t even reached the chorus when someone, the bloke who was watching Vicki and Barb from the bushes, jumps out into the road and gives the lyre-playing old geezer a quick stabbing. Everyone is a critic…
At the squat, our heroes are still freeloading.
“Doctor, should we not be checking the TARDIS?”
“You think someone is going to steal the Ship, mmm? Nonsense!”
“It has happened before…”
“Bah, no, it is fine where it is! It isn’t a tub of ice cream that needs to be checked in case a certain female teacher eats the whole lot up like a little piggy.”
“Hey, that only happened the once!”
“Only because I put a lock on the fridge. In any case, is anyone ready to leave for another time and place?”
“I am pretty happy here.”
“Yes, me too.”
“Vicki?”
“Well… I thought this TARDIS lark would have a bit more adventure than mooching about a villa.”
“You want adventure, mmmm? Would you like to come to Rome with me? We could see the sights, have selfies taken with vestal virgins, throw jellied eels at adulterers, the usual touristy stuff.”
“Yes, please!”
“Can I come too, Doctor?”
“Barbara, I don’t need a nursemaid. You can stay here with Chestertonius and watch The Growing Pains of PC Penrose on DVD with him, eh?”
Only pausing to pack toothbrushes and books to read on the way (I, Claudius by Robert Graves and De Rode Keizer by Marc Sleen in case you want to know), the Doctor and Vicki leave for Rome.
Presumably Sevcheria and Didius are unaware that the Doctor and Vicki have left.
Ian and Barbara are in the villa flirting with food again. She has given him a Roman hairstyle, and he has given her earrings he made out of ring tabs. All very happy and innocent until Didius and Sevcheria house-invades the villa.
Didius takes on Barbara, and Sevcheria has a go at Ian. Didius gets thrown in the fountain a few times (yes, the villa has a fountain, very swish), and Sevcheria throws Ian like a ragdoll.
Barbara picks up a jug of Tizer, ready to kapow it onto Sevcheria’s head but he moves at the last moment and it clonks Ian unconscious.
And with that, our heroes are dragged away by the titular slave traders.
Like Jack Kerouac, Vicki and the Doctor are on the road. They don’t get far because they find the corpse of Maximus Pettulian in a bush.
The Doctor has just picks up the lyre when a centurion turns up with sword in hand.
“Oi, does that harp thingie belong to you?”
“This? Um, yes?”
“Are you lying about the lyre?”
“Um. No. I could play Roxy Music’s Grey Lagoons if you don’t believe me.”
“Are you Maximus Pettulian?”
“Maybe, what is it to you?”
“If you are Maximus Pettulian, I was sent here to escort you to Rome by Nero…”
“For a coffee?”
“The emperor, fool!”
“Oooh, the emperor! I have always wanted to meet Nero. Yes, I am this Maximus Pettulian you are looking for.”
With that, the centurion takes the Doctor and Vicki back to Rome. They leave the artist formally known as Maximus Pettulian to rot in the bushes.
Why was the musician killed? Does this mean that the Doctor is now also in trouble from music critics?
Meanwhile, Barbara and Ian are on a slave cart with some other poor unfortunates.
“I am not sure I can break out of these ropes.”
“What about the Doctor and Vicki? Won’t they wonder where we are when they get back?”
“We can hardly leave a note in the villa now, Barbara.”
“What if they leave in the TARDIS without us?”
“Crumbs!”
Sevcharia and Didius are talking with a local slave buyer (or is he a slave broker?)…
“I like the woman. Nice teeth, luvverly childbearing hips, and strangely lacquered hair…”
“You can’t ‘ave her, she’ll fetch top dollar in Rome…”
“Top sesterce surely?”
“Don’t call me ‘Shirley’. She’ll be five times the price in Rome, isn’t that right, Didi?”
“Thatsa right, boss!”
“Yeah, so tough luck. Now how about some men to go on with? Big muscles and pert buttocks, what more could you ask for?”
“Yeeeeah, alright, I will take those three. Do you giftwrap?”
Ian is one of the three men picked out by the slave buyer.
“Oh no! Ian!”
It is now late at night and our Vicki and the Doctor are in a Roman camp as guests of the centurion.
The centurion is talking to the assassin who offed Maximus Pettulian. Ooh, now the strands of plot are tightening like the collective subconscious of cats thinking about mice.
“You stupid boy! I gave you simple instructions. Kill Pettulian. What do you do? You do nothing! The emperor ordered it himself!”
“Ptlee-bl?”
“Dunno, jealous of his musical talent maybe? Look, I will give you one more chance, kill the musician, and bring me back his lyre as proof.”
“Yow!”
“Now let me draw you a map of where he is kipping…”
I should add at this point that the assassin is a mute. Hence him speaking like a stunned kitten. His name, in case you care, is Ascaris.
According to Wikipedia;
Ascaris is a genus of parasitic nematode worms known as the “small intestinal roundworms”, which is a type of parasitic worm.
Ascaris prowls out towards the building where the Doctor is playing Supergrass’ Caught By The Fuzz, crawls up the walls, jumps down, squeezes between two statues, and leaps into the Doctor’s room with a scream of “Purrieu!”
What follows is a masterclass in stunt arranging. As well it might since Ascaris is played Barry Jackson who I am sure has experience in being a stuntman but I may be wrong.
The Doctor has been watching his Hong Kong Phooey very carefully because he uses martial art movements to thwart the mute assassin.
It all ends when the Doctor sends Ascaris flying out the window.
Afterwards he gloats to Vicki…
“Do you know it was I that used to teach the Mountain Mauler of Montana!”
“To fight?”
“Um, no, ballroom dancing actually. Which in itself is a good way of learning to fight. Why are you here, girl, mmm?”
“That centurion what accompanied us here, he has done a flit. I can’t find him anywhere.”
“Why were you looking for him?”
“To ask him out on a date. Dishy Roman soldiers are soooooo hot!”
“The centurion brings us here, I get attacked by a numpty, and now he has gone? He did come across us near the body of the real Pettulian, was he making sure he was deaded? Very rum.”
“What should we do?”
“Stay here for the night, and then onwards to Rome. It would be churlish to let a little assassination attempt stop us from meeting Nero.”
“I am not sure that this is a good idea…”
“Vicki, you wanted adventure! Now we have it, you want to go back to the villa? Pish-posh! Now sit down and I will tell you how I starred in Dooby Duck’s Disco Bus…”
Miles away, Barbara is in a jail. In Rome. In the morning she will be put up for auction. All she can hope for is a good master/mistress who goes easy on the whipcracks. Our heroine does have company though in her cell…
“Hello, I am Barbara.”
“Yeah, so? cough“
“Are you alright?”
“Just cough got cough a cough cough, that is all.”
“Rightio.”
“Tomorrow cough we will be sold to the highest bidder cough. I have been sold as a slave six times this year alone. Keep getting cough sent back to the cough auction house. Dunno why.”
“Possibly because you are clearly dying of some lung disease?”
“Yeah, that’ll cough be it right enough.”
“My Ian will rescue me and he might even rescue you too. Have a brave heart for we shall not be here forever.”
“Yeah, whatever.”
Barbara’s brave heroic rescuer is indeed on his way to Rome. Via a slave ship for he is now one of the many shackled rowers.
Just like Barbara, he has also made a friend. His friend has a name. Delos.
Although it is never mentioned, since there is a Greek island called Delos (birthplace of the deities Apollo and Artemis dontcherknow), might the slave be Greek too?
“Are you thinking what I am thinking, Delos?”
“Yes, but where will we get hold of goats, bottlecaps, and a radiator valve?”
“Erm, I meant that I have a plan. As soon as we see land, one of us will play possum until one of the slavers investigates. We will then knock him unconscious, steal the keys to the chains, jump into the sea and swim for safety.”
“Yeeeah, I wasn’t thinking that.”
Easy-peasey, right?
Wrong! The plan fails and the slaver-in-chief makes them work harder.
Back in Rome with Barbara and Typhoid Maryus, they are being inspected by a potential buyer. This is Tavius. He looks like a bald Murun Buchstansangur,
“Hmmm, you will do. I will buy you.”
“Me?”
“Well, I am not going to buy that diseased grotbag next to you, am I? Don’t worry, you will be looked after.”
“I will be free, have freedom?”
“LOL! No, you will still be a slave. Treated nicely though so you will not think you are a slave unless you run away, in which case you will be flogged with shoelaces until you behave.”
“I would rather stay here than be a slave.”
“I wasn’t actually asking so yah boo sucks to you, dear.”
Tavius finds one of the guards. Why has this guard got a dress draped over one arm?
“Guard, I want to buy this woman!”
“Nothing doing, mate.”
“I am willing to pay loadsamoney.”
“She is to be sold at auction, you can try your luck with all the other punters, innit.”
Tavius exits stage left.
“Right. You, bint, I have this dress for you.”
“My name is Barbara…”
“Great, I am sure that will be a comfort to you when you become a slave. Now stick this on. You need to look pretty for the buyers. They are sexist pigs but they also have a lot of gold.”
“What about my friend here?”
“Coughy McCoughface is going straight to the circus.”
“Oh goody, I love cough clowns and acrobats!”
“Not that kind of circus. You are going to be facing the lions. Well, I say ‘facing’ but it will be more ‘running from’ and ‘being eaten with one gulp’, heh-heh! I hope you don’t give ’em the lurgy.”
During that scene, miles away, a storm has now engulfed the slave ship.
“My plan of praying to Poseidon worked.”
“Just a coincidence, Delos…”
The slaver-in-chief is now whipping all the slaves, getting them to row harder and faster.
“We need to get to land, you dogs! Row!”
Poseidon has other plans for the ship starts taking on water. Which Ian and his new BFF take advantage of by following the school teacher’s plan. A plan that has only one flaw: the ship is sinking like an end-user license agreement awarded to an ocelot.
Luckily they can both swim.
Ian wakes up on a beach…
“Grud almighty, I was having this delightful dream about snogging mermaids…”
“Ian! You are alive!”
“Delos! You too! Did anyone else survive?”
“Nope. I only asked Poseidon to help us and not the others.”
“Bit cruel. Where are we?”
“Just a few miles away from Rome. While you were mumbling about ‘slide projectors’ in your sleep, I took a look and saw a sign.”
“A sign?”
“Yes, it said, ‘ROME – THREE MILES’.”
“I have to go and rescue Barbara. She will be in Rome.”
“I will come with you. I have nothing better to do and I want to get paid for appearing in other episodes of this serial.”
What of the Doctor and Vicki? They are now in Rome. If you can work out the walking speed of the Doctor, you could possibly work out how far away their villa is from Rome.
As they take in the sights, Vicki sees an auction house with a podium and a catwalk in front of it.
“An auction is about to happen. Can we buy something?”
“And what would you buy, mmm?”
“A Sinclair ZX Spectrum? They were invented about this time, right?”
The Doctor, knowing that it is a slave auction, bustles Vicki down the road.
“You don’t want anything there. Come on and I will show you the seven hills of whatever…”
As they round the corner, Barbara walks onto the auction catwalk.
The auctioneer starts geeing up the buyers.
“C’mon, first item of the day! Cheap as chips! She is a real bobby-dazzler! How many sesterces will you bid for her?”
The auctioneer gets his assistant to show the crowd Barbara’s teeth and fetlocks but nobody is bidding much.
Tavius shoves his way through the crowds…
“Ten thousand sesterces!”
…and wins the bid.
There is a brief transaction and Tavius takes Barbara along with him.
“My dear, you will have no worries where I am taking you. I represent Nero.”
“The coffee shop?”
“The emperor, you silly girl. You are gentle and gorgeous and kind, I know how you helped that sickly harridan back in the cells. Now you will serve Nero.”
“I don’t know anything about being a barista!”
“Shall we knock this running gag on the head before it irritates?”
“Alright then. Ahem, I didn’t really help that woman all that much, hardly at all in fact. Also, I am still going to leg it at the first opportunity no matter whom my master is.”
“I wouldn’t if I were you. Escaped slaves always get executed.”
“I have no other choice if I wish to see my friends again.”
Tavius is about to respond when a messager runs up to him and tells him that a certain Pettulian has arrived at Nero’s palace. Sticking Barbara in a cupboard, Tavius rushes off to meet Pettulian.
The Doctor is playing St Etienne’s Who Do You Think You Are (with Vicki doing the vocals) when Tavius skids into the room.
“Maxi baby! I am so pleased that you are here! By the way, that little ‘problem’? All sorted out. It has been stuck in the apodyterium for the time being, eh?”
An apodyterium a large changing room for the Ancient Roman public baths. Just think of it as a room with cubicles or shelves for the storage of clothes while their wearers are having a swim. Would Nero’s gaff have one? Probable.
“Mmmm? Um. Right, yes, the apodythingy, yes.”
Nero barges into the room and saves William Hartnell from having to pronounce ‘apodyterium’.
Derek Francis as Nero is fantastic. I will (possibly) talk about how fantastic he is later.
“My Emperor, this is Maximus Pettulian…”
“The renown lyre player? Alive? You, Maximus, play me something topping!”
“What? Er, I would rather hear you play what with you being such an excellent lyre…”
“What?!?”
“…player.”
“Oh, you are such a darling. Let me just pick up this random lyre that I just happen to have here…”
Nero, emperor of Rome and a general bad egg, badly plays Alphaville’s Big In Japan. The Doctor joins in but makes sure to be just as ‘good’ as Nero.
“Ooh, top hole, Maximus! We will have to talk later over some coffee…”
“Sir, we scrapped that running gag!”
“Why didn’t you tell me, Tavius? I look like a proper nit now! Ahem, Maximus, we will have to talk later over some Irn Bru. Ta-ta for now!”
Both Tavius and Nero naff off. This leaves the Doctor and Vicki with nothing much to do than make their way to the apodyterium to see what the fuss is all about.
After getting lost and ending up in Nero’s chipboard orchard, the kitchens, and the laundry room, they are surprised when they finally get to the apodyterium; the centurion who escorted them part of the way to Rome, his body is there. He has been killed.
But what of Ian and Delos and their bromance? They have finally got to Rome. They haven’t even had time to chat up a vestal virgin when they are caught by the guards…
“You are nicked, my son. You look like escaped slaves to me.”
…and sent straight to the prison where Barbara had been incarcerated earlier. Some coincidence, huh?
However, it is not all that bad…
“Escaped slaves are normally killed. We hate repeat offenders in Rome. But you guys are not going to be killed, not luvverly burly blokes like you. We are going to train you up as gladiators and you can fight until you are killed. Or we might feed you to the lions, whatever is easier.”
Alright, it is all that bad.
Ian and Delos look at each other. Then they look out of the cell window at a group of lions merrily tearing into Bungle from Rainbow. Or it might be a Christian, I wasn’t looking too close.
Barbara, now doing her Upstairs, Downstairs schtick in the palace, has more to do than just clean up, serve drinks, and a spot of dusting. She is, during all that, being chased about by the emperor who thinks he is god’s gift to women.
Poppaea, Nero’s wife, is not happy at her hubby’s antics. She has stern words for her rival;
“Keep your grubby hands off him, you cat! I haven’t suffered years of blubbery fumbles just for some bit of skirt to take him away from me!”
Alas our Nero is a sex addict and he must chase the chaste around and around. Which is why Poppaea hatches a plan…
Back to the Doctor. He knows that Tavius wants something from him but he isn’t sure what exactly. His plan of action is to go “mmm” and “um” occasionally which is practically the First Doctor’s modus operandi.
Nero, when not trying to sexually molest Barbara, has organised a huge feast. In the Doctor’s honour. Plus the ersatz lyre-player has to play a song.
What of Vicki?
She has made a new friend. Locusta, the official poisoner to the court of Caesar Nero.
Locusta was a real historical figure. Spoiler Alert: she was condemned to death by the emperor Galba after the suicide of Nero. She was clapped in chains, paraded through the streets of Rome, and executed.
But that is in her future, so no blabbing to her. It’ll ruin the surprise.
“My dear ickle little Vicki, I just love my job. Mixing up potions, I feel like I am teaching at Hogwarts, oh my! I am rushed off my feet what with all the political intrigues and kiddies birthday parties. Know what, I reckon I will poison Nero one day, that is my destiny!”
It isn’t by the way. Although Nero had some of her poison with him when he died, he actually had to get someone else do it for him because he was such a cowardly cutlet. That is, if in fact, it was suicide.
Again, don’t tell Nero this. Imagine the look on his face.
The Doctor and Nero are now in a sauna. If you would like to imagine naughty goings-on, don’t let me stop you.
All that results out of this scene is the Doctor’s spectacular inability to twig what the conspiracy is all about, and his dismay at discovering that he is to play a song at the banquet. There is a nice bit of business with a sword in this scene.
Quickly drawing a veil over the semi-clad figures of Nero and the Doctor all sweaty from, um, stuff, we go back to Vicki who is still nattering with Locusta when Poppaea pops in, sending Vicki scurrying under the table to hide…
“You, poisoner woman, I need you to make me some poison. Come with me and I will show you the slave girl that I want poisoning with poison. When she drinks with Nero, she will gag! Heh heh!”
Vicki looks surprised. God knows why. She makes a mental note to aid the unknown slave girl in avoiding being poisoned. Maybe contriving to switch cups so someone else is killed instead; not exactly a better idea, is it, Vicks?
Just think about this: Vicki wants to save a slave girl so she switches a pair of goblets so Nero gets deaded instead. She isn’t saving a life, she is merely exchanging victims. She doesn’t know that she will be saving Barbara so what is the point of this? Especially when all she will do is murder the emperor of the Roman empire. The repercussions! At least Rome … spoiler alert … won’t get burned later.
Elsewhere, Nero is trying it on with Barbara again…
“Hey, baby. Would you like this solid gold bracelet? If you do, you must kiss me. Whatcha think, sweetie?”
Before he can put his best moves on her (don’t ask), they are interrupted by a harrassed-looking servant with a pair of goblets on a platter.
In another corner of the banqueting hall, the Doctor is quietly playing Catatonia’s Karaoke Queen when Vicki comes up to him all gleeful.
“I’ve poisoned Nero! His bird was gonna have a random slave girl killed but I swapped the goblets and now he is the one that is gonna peg it Teehee!”
“You stupid girl! Why would you do that?”
“Him and his wife are proper evil, innit? They should, like, be stopped from being evil, innit?”
“That is not your choice to make! We cannot change history to suit ourselves! It is against the rules of travelling in time! And stop saying ‘innit’, Vicki!”
The Doctor rushes over to Nero.
“Poison! In your goblet!”
“I know Vimto is very sugary but…”
“No, actual poison as in an assassination attempt!”
“Oh! I am most thankful, Maxi.”
When the Doctor has gone back to Vicki (to scold her), Nero beckons to a slave.
“‘Ere, you drink this!”
The slave drinks it and promptly falls over dead.
“I will stick to Moscow Mules from now on.”
From behind a column (an ionic one, column fans!), Poppaea sees her plans frustrated. Instead of blaming Vicki, she thinks Locusta is the one that mucked up. Poppy calls for a guard to send the poisoner to jail.
Hours pass and now the banquet is in full swing. The Doctor is tucking into toad-in-the hole. His noshing is disturbed by the presence of Tavius who comes up to him and whispers, “All is in place for tomorrow. I will disavow all knowledge of the plot if things go tits up. Enjoy your meal…”
Before the Doctor can speak, Nero calls for him to play the lyre.
“Hmmmm? Oh, yes, before I start startling you with my musical prowess, I must tell you that my style is so elegant and fine and gentle that only the most musically inclined may hear it. Even then they will have to have lugholes that are as sensitive as a mouse’s whiskers, and being cultured ‘elps too.”
The Doctor, standing in front of the rapt Romans, mimes the playing of Sidewalk Surfer Girl by the Super Furry Animals on his lyre. This carries on for a good twenty minutes of the episode. When he finishes, everyone waits to see what Nero’s reaction will be. When the old lech wolf-whistles and shows his appreciation, everyone else breaks out into a round of applause. The Doctor, crowd-dives into the audience, and is carried all around the table until finally he is plonked down back on his seat next to Vicki.
“What the [expletive deleted] was that all about, Doctor?”
“You’ve never heard of The Emperor’s New Clothes? By Hans Christian Chesterton? Ahem, Anderson! I thought Ian and Barbara were reading you bedtime stories?”
“They are. They are reading The Stud to me.”
“By Jackie Collins? Hmmm, they must have nicked that from under my dusty pillows. Look, girly, Nero doesn’t want to appear stupid. He heard all that guff about how you need to be refined and cultured and all that to hear what I was playing, yes? He is pretending so as not to lose face.”
“And the other people?”
“To not lose face with Nero. They are sycophants.”
“Is that like an elephant?”
“They are, in your future palois, sucking up to him.”
Nero, despite his clapping, is seething with anger. How dare some random come in and get more applause than he ever had? As soon as the banqueters stop showing their appreication of the Doctor’s silence, Nero is out of there like a cat hearing a can of food being opened.
“I’ll teach him! Nobody does better than me!”
As he rushes down the corridor, he comes across Barbara.
“You saucy minx, were you looking for a little rumpy-pumpy? Pshaw! I am too angry! Come with me and you can watch a fight at the arena.”
Nero likes the sight of men killing each other for his entertainment but also, it gives him a plan for ridding himself of the ersatz Maximus Pettulian. That pesky lyre-player can play for the lions!
In their dinky jail cell, Ian and Delos have just been told that they are to fight one another.
“Ian, I don’t want to kill you because we are friends; however I will do so because the emperor has been known to free slaves if they fight particularly well. I will give you a quick death, one chop across the gizzard with the cheese-toaster, yeah?”
“Oh, thanks!”
You think that jail cell was small, wait until you see the arena. Oh boy! It is the size of a modest-sized bathroom. If Ian, Delos, and the lions were all in it, there would not be enough room for any of them to do any harm to one another.
Nero has a word with Sevcheria…
Wait? Him? This slaver also works for the slave auctioneers, and is in a position to arm and teach slaves to fight in gladiatorial matches? This seems a bit of a stretch but maybe he has a mortgage to pay off hence all the jobs.
“Now, my old matey, I want you to arrange for Maximus Pettulian to play in the arena.”
“That I can do. With a full orchestra?”
“No, no, that won’t be needed.”
“Dancing girls? We have this troupe from Greece, Pan’s People, who are rather natty dancers.”
“Oooh, good idea! But bring them on before he plays. Halfway through whatever dirge he plays, I want you to release all the lions.”
“We have a few leopards too, and a toothless tiger, you want them too?”
“Sure, why not? But give the tiger some metal dentures. That will teach Maximus Petrolpump to be better than me! Muwhahahahahaha!”
The gladiators come in, and Barbara recognises one of them: Ian!
This fight scene, while alright, is very stagey. A lot of slashing movements and shield clashing, and you can see that the swords are as blunt as a clutch bag.
First Ian wins, but doesn’t kill Delos. Then Delos wins, but doesn’t kill Ian. Not even Nero, emperor of the Roman Empire, can break up this bromance no matter how much Nero thrusts his thumb down at the ground.
“Kill him! You son of a dog! Chop his [expletive deleted] head off or I will make the lions eat yours!”
Delos won’t kill his friend. He spins around, blunt sword in hand, and then tries to kill Nero himself.
Nero’s guards stop this attack and there is another stagey fight sequence involving them, Delos, and Ian who felt left out. I should add that Ian and Delos are retreating so that they can escape, but before they do, Ian shouts out;
“Barbara, I will come back for you!”
Nero, being a few feet away, hears this.
“O-ho! You know those filthy gladiatoring blaggards? Me thinks I can use you as bait to catch them, but first… a kiss!”
Elsewhere, Poppaea is arguing with Tavius…
“I want you to get rid of that bitch, Barbara!”
“But, my lady, your husband is very fond of her…”
“Nero would be fond of a bottlenose dolphin if it had a pair of tits. She is a nuisance. Get rid, now!”
The argument ends when Poppy slaps Tavius into next week.
He leaves, only to bump into Barbara in the corridor.
“Tavius! Ian is picking me up from the palace!”
“A friend?”
“It is complicated, we haven’t got to first base as yet…”
“Whoa, I do not need to know that much detail. Anyhow, you are in luck for the emperor’s current wife wants you dismissed.”
“Cool beans! Why are there so many guards about?”
“What? Oh! Nero needs them for something or other. Don’t worry, I can find a way of getting Ian inside.”
“Safely?”
“Ish,”
“Nero also plans on having the musician Maximus Petulant or Petunia or whatever the hell he is called, ahem, eaten by wild cats in the arena. Tomorrow. Nobody deserves that no matter how bad they play music.”
“I will endeavour to save the life of this man you have never met before. Truly you have a good heart and it isn’t like I have anything else better to do.”
In yet another room of the palace, the Doctor and Vicki have come across architectural blueprints (but not blue or printed or technically architectural) for a city that Nero intends on building, a new Rome.
History fans, you may give each other smug looks now. You know what is coming up.
The Doctor dons his spectacles to take a closer peek.
“Mmmmm, most interesting.”
As our heroes are perusing Nero’s plans, Tavius scoots into the room.
“Maximus and girl whose name I haven’t bothered to find out, I have news! Well, for him that is!”
“Spit it out, man!”
“Exactly what the lions won’t be doing if Nero’s scheme comes to fruition. He wants to have you perform in the arena as a hors d’oeuvre for his feline friends.”
“But I can’t cook…”
“No worries. They prefer their food raw. They will eat you even if they have no napkins!”
“Oh, that isn’t good. Good manners cost nothing.”
“I can save you but you have to bring forwards your plans.”
“My plans?”
“Yes, your plan to assassinate Nero.”
“What!”
After a good five minutes of spluttering and coughing, the Doctor continues.
“You want me to have Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus Germanicus done in?”
“Yeeees, that is why you are here, innit?”
The complications in the Doctor’s life have now tripled. Not only does he have to avoid his own noshing upon by the lions, he has to not kill Nero, and make his way back to the villa where Ian and Barbara are.
When Nero tried to have the real Maximus Pettulian killed, he inadvertently stopped his own assassination. But how was he meant to have killed Nero? He was a doddery old man who looked like he couldn’t swat a fly without breaking his own hips.
Nero enters, all pomp and pomposity.
“Maxi baby, my dear mate! I have a surprise for you. Guess what it is.”
“Ooh, lemme think. You want me to do a gig in the arena, play some of my hits?”
“Oh… You guessed…”
“I shall make it a roaring success, Nero me old mucker.”
“What? You will have to play something that will get the audience standing in their seats.”
“I will play Lions, Tigers & Bears by Jazmine Sullivan for my adoring public. Unless you’d prefer something more traditional like songs from The Lion King? Something the hoi polloi can really get their gnashers into, hmm?”
“You can’t know, you can’t. I’ve told no one. Except for the guards but they have no tongues. Unless they have learned sign language or how to write…”
“If I go down well, I might even make it my farewell performance. You see, I’ve always wanted to be considered as an artist of some taste. Generally regarded as palatable, hmm? But I must be gnawing away at your spare time oh I must! Surely you have so many other important things to attend to without standing here, chewing over the facts with me? Plus I have a salami sandwich to nosh on… Oh, balls, there’s something burning!”
Indeed there is. During this conversation, the Doctor had his arms behind his back with his spectacles safely held. The sun came through the window, and via the lens, has burnt Nero’s plans for a new city.
“Aarrgh, my precious plans! I will have you eaten by alligators! Then the alligators will be eaten by elephants, and those elephants turned into teeny weeny steak and ale pies so that they can be eaten by chickens! Then they will be fed to a dreadful old woman with a gyppy stomach so that all that meat will be spewed out! What do you think of that, you absolute clot?”
Nero isn’t happy. But then…
“What if Rome was to burn as my blueprints burn? If the city was in ruins, I could have my version built. A new Rome, ooh, we can call it New Rome, or Nero, or Neropolis, or Gumby. Thank you, Maximus, you may go on your way. See you in the arena! Heh!”
Nero, never one to put off his plans until later, arranges with Tavius for some burly blokes to meet him at the palace. This is done pretty quickly for they meet them soon after outside.
Ian and Delos, having sneaked into the grounds of the palace, see this crowd of burly blokes as a great way of sneaking (they love their sneakery) into the palace. Who would notice two extra burly blokes?
“Hola, plebs! It is me, Nero. No, don’t weep in happiness at seeing my visage. I would like you chaps to go through the city and burn it down. I can pay you a lot of money and as emperor, you know my credit is good. If anyone asks you later, you weren’t here, you were at your aunties. OK? Cool!”
Tavius recognises Delos and Ian from their fight in Nero’s mini-arena.
“You must be Ian. Now, come with me and I will bring you to Barbara.
When the burly blokes ran amock through the streets of Rome like arsonist Wee Willie Winkies, Ian is reunited with Barbara. Tavius makes sure that they can leave, so they do.
“But why would you help us?”
Tavius says nothing but fingers something he keeps around his neck, a crucifix with Jesus hanging off it like a crude hang glider. Ah, so he was a Christian all the time!
Given Nero’s hobby of having Christians gnawed upon by lions. This has to be the reason why Tavius hired Maximus Pettulian to kill Nero. Although, Tavius can’t be a real Christian for he would know that he would be going to Hell for ordering the death of another.
Oh! Vicki and the Doctor! What of them? Well, they have also escaped. We see them outside the city, watching huge flames lick up the buildings. It is almost like this is a little model for those flames are way too big. Ahem.
“You had an effect on history, Doctor.”
“That wasn’t me. It would have happened anyway. Nero could have got that idea from anything or anyone. He might have had the idea while sucking on a cheroot or using some Christians as nightlights so he can read. Um.”
“It was so you.”
“Yes, I know. I hope nobody finds out. Especially the people whose name I won’t say until 1969…”
Who knows how much time elapses but…
Barbara and Ian are back in the villa. They have changed their clothes, tidied up, and are singing Bryan Ferry’s That’s How Strong My Love Is. All very relaxed until the Doctor barges in with Vicki,
“O-ho! You have been lazing about all this time? You slovenly swines! Now get up, don’t open your mouth like that, Colchesterton, you look like a cat about to do a poo! We are leaving now. TARDIS time, eh? Yes, mmm, come one, don’t shilly-shally!”
Back in the TARDIS…
“We had such larks in Rome. We met Nero, the fire of Rome, and the Doctor nearly got himself a tramp stamp at a tattooist.”
“You were in Rome too, Vicki?”
“Yup! Where are we going next? Cornwall in 1981? Wetherspoons? A Thompson Twins concert?”
“Um, you realise that the Doctor doesn’t exactly have the ability to control where we go, right? Where we end up is at random.”
“Ha! I don’t believe you!”
The girls head off to get changed into modern clothes. Ian goes up to the Doctor who has a confused mammal face.
“Everything alright, Doctor?”
“Of course. We are just being drawn to this planet and I cannot seem to get away from it.”
This, of course, is the start of a brand new story. But that is another unreview.
Before I go on, a special note must be made for Brian Proudfoot as the hapless Tigilinus. I know that I haven’t mentioned him throughout the unreview but he is one of the best bits. He doesn’t say much; all he does is follow Nero about, getting in his way, being insulted, and drinking poison in his last scene.
William Hartnell, Billy H as he is called in hip-hop circles, is phenomenal in this story. We have had time to see him being all gruff and rough and tough, with moments of twinkling geniality, but The Romans allows him to show off his comedy skills (not that he hasn’t had the opportunity before but…). His best interactions are with Derek Francis as Nero; they are both subtle and blatant at the same time, often in the same sentence.
Another William, Mr Russell this time. Ian Chesterton himself. I would argue that his scenes with Jacqueline Hill in the first and last episodes are so much better than whatever the hell he does in the other episodes. Watching them flirt and act like normal human beings who might be in love with one another, sublime. And the fridge gag, both times, loved that.
Jacqueline Hill, just read the above for the same applies to her. Although, I did like the scenes with Nero. Is it wrong of me to laugh at a woman trying to avoid a sex pest so much?
Now Maureen O’Brien as the Vickster. Sorry, pretend I didn’t just say that. She is firing on all cylinders here as Vicki. She is not a Susan replacement so much as a superior version of Susan (and this is being said by someone who loves Carole Ann Ford portrayal of Susan). She is just so much fun to watch.
Michael Peake as Tavius is the cat’s meow. He has such a great look, which when added to her gravely voice, makes his every scene perfect. He underplays his performance, never giving away anything. Those heavy-lidded eyes hold secrets. I cannot state how much I love his character.
Derek Francis as Rome’s Big Cheese. The Nero hisself. A comedic tour de force as might be expected from the actor’s previous work. His best interactions are with William Hartnell as the Doctor; they are both subtle and blatant at the same time, often in the same sentence (do you see what I did there?). But second to his scenes with Billy Hartnell are his scenes with Brian Proudfoot as Tigilinus.
For some reason I adore Bart Allison as the real Maximus Pettulian. How the frell anyone could be killed by a frail old man who looks like Mr Punch is beyond me.
Barry Jackson is great as the mute Ascaris the assassin. Basically playing an Ogron without the make-up or prosthetics. Would it have been a good idea for him to try and kill the Doctor in every episode? Yes. Sadly not to be.
Peter Diamond as Delos, a solid performance. A companion to the companion.
Honourable mentions to Kay Patrick as Poppaea, Anne Tirard as Locusta, Nicholas Evans as Didius, Derek Sydney as Sevcheria, and Dorothy-Rose Gribble who (I think) was the coughing female slave in the cells with Barbara and Ian. If I have missed anyone out, forgive me if you are still alive.
And that is is. A great story and one I would recommend.
Random Shoes 