I really dislike people who type fast.
The irony is that I am a very fast typist.
If somebody is next to me and their fingers are whizzing over the keyboard like a horde of cockroaches tapdancing in a packet of potato chips, I immediately raise my A game and outtype them. In this case the ‘A’ stands for ‘arse’.
I am not usually competitive. In school I was never that bothered about winning. I was great at hockey, tennis lacrosse, fencing, archery and pinball (We had a pinball machine in our dorm…yeah, that is right, my school was both very posh and slightly cool in a 1950s American diner kinda way). But I never tried to win. I just did (brag brag). I was on the cross country running team and even won a few marathoners although you will never catch me running now, not even for my life from a house full of chainsaw-wielding bears.
I have no idea why fast typists bait me so much. I think it is the same thing which stops me getting out of people’s ways when I out walking.
Oh, boy, do I want to tell you about that? Meh, why not? We have already established that I am an arse so I might as well.
When I am walking, I choose a path along the wall. If someone unwittingly walks into my path, I will go through them. This is quite common because all humans assume that they are the only people who matter when they walk, so they can force others out of the way. Ah, you say, but are you not forcing them out of the way? Yes, true but I have the right of way because I was walking along that section of pavement first. Therefore, they are in my way but I am not in their way because they chose to walk in a place where I have the prior pavement claim.
This prior claim ends when I reach a road I need to cross. If someone is in my usual spot on the next pavement, I will allow them the right of way but as soon as they pass, that spot is mine. It is due to my stubbornness that I have bumped into people old and young.
Another aspect of this pavement one-upping is that if someone overtakes me and then walks in front of me, leaving less than a metre in space, I will then speed up to overtake the other person and do it to them.
Wow, I really am an arse, aren’t I?
So, yeah, I don’t fast typists.
*grabs coat and leaves sheepishly*