The Usual New Years Resolutions Blog That Everyone Writes

Another year over. And what have you done? Not much, I expect.

We make all these fancy-pants resolutions at the beginning of each year, and like the diary we are given by our Aunt Jannet, they are quickly forgotten after a few half-hearted attempts.

How many of us vow to exercise more? To do star jumps? To cycle? To jog? And yet the same thing happens each time…

ME: Come on! Let us get fit!

FEET: Wha…what? Already? It is too early. No self-respecting human being would ever decide to run at 7am. That is still the night!

ME: No, c’mon! We have to get fit and run like our lives depend on it!

VARIOUS ORGANS: Can’t we stay behind and gurgle and blomph on the sofa while you punish yourself? Why do we have to be dragged into this mess?

ME: It will be fun, I swear.

LEGS: Fun? Is there some new definition of ‘fun’ that passed me by? I am sure I didn’t get that memo.

ME: But…

FEET: You would not bother exercising if you knew about all the troubles in this world.

ME: Don’t tell me. I don’t need or wish to know. I’m outrageously happy in my stupidity.

FEET: I cannot even start to understand your foolish ways. The whole world is coming apart like an UKIP candidate in front of a camera, and you want to exercise?

ME: I can’t help it. I have to keep fit and make my body healthy. I have an obligation to my body.

VARIOUS BODY PARTS: Don’t blame this on us! We would be much happier festering on the sofa.

FEET: You don’t want to exercise, you just feel that you should. Nobody in their right mind would wish to exercise.

ME: Perhaps my feet are right. On the other hand, maybe I’ll set a new record for jogging?

Two hours and one heart attack later…

FEET: Ha! I knew it would happen! I can tell by the look on your face! You are having a fitness let down! You ran for too long. And now you are having a heart attack. Oh, I knew it would happen! I knew it!

ME: If I were not so close to death, I would punch you…sigh. Perhaps another five mile jog tomorrow…

Body parts mutiny. End of pathetic attempt to get fit. The end. End of scene.

So what is the solution? Well, we could avoid eating ourselves stupid each Christmas, that’d remove the need to improve our general health come the new year.

Or perhaps it would be better to exercise in smaller steps. It is all very well to say that we will jog a few miles each morning but it is sheer madness. You might as well throw your TV out of a moving train and then expect it to work perfectly.

Smaller goals are more practical. Run around your kitchen. Run around your block. Run around your park. Increase the distance as it becomes easier. Otherwise, you will be in need of a defibrillator and, perhaps, a heart transplant.

I am not sure that I have a point to make or whether I am just randomly vomiting out words in a bid to amuse and bore but I hope you can take something from this blog. Perhaps a sense of decorum?

At any rate, we should always try to improve ourselves…ooh! I do have a point!


About greebohobbes

All-round irritant, expert swordsman (loves lopping off the heads of ghouls), professional charlatan and outrageous wearer of black cocktail dresses...
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